What is Helpful to Say to Someone Who is Grieving the Loss of a Pet
When someone you know and care about experiences a profound loss, it can be difficult to know how to offer support. Although we may be well-intentioned, our statements and actions may be impactful in hurtful ways that we did not imagine. We may worry about saying the “right” thing at the “wrong time” or worse, the “wrong” thing altogether.
What is most important to recognize is that, try as we might, we cannot fix things or make things better. All we can do is be present in the moment with the one we love as they navigate the loss of someone. Sometimes the best thing that we can do is offer our physical presence and sit beside the one who is grieving.
We can also offer comfort through words.
It can be comforting to the bereaved for you to name the one who died and acknowledge what they meant to the survivor, using words that the survivor has previously used to describe the bond that was shared:
“Bailey was family.”
“Bailey was your best friend.”
“You loved Bailey so much.”
“Cats choose the one they love most; Bailey chose you.”
“You were the best mom that Bailey could have asked for.”
“There is no doubt in my mind that Bailey knew how much you loved her.”
“Nina was your heart and soul.”
“Nina left this world knowing only your love.”
“Nina loved having you as a mom; you were her whole world.”
“Nina was your child; I know that she meant the world to you.”
Acknowledge the difficulty of this moment. You might share with the bereaved that:
“I am at a loss for words.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Nothing that I say can take your pain away.”
“Nothing that I say can bring your loved one back to life.”
“There are no words at a time such as this.”
“This is so incredibly challenging.”
“This is such an incredibly difficult time.”
“I can’t imagine what you are going through.”
“I can only imagine what you are feeling right now.”
Let them know that you are thinking of them:
“My thoughts are with you.”
“You’ve been on my mind.”
“You’re in my heart.”
“You are cared for.”
“You are loved.”
Validate and normalize the emotions that they name:
“You’re right, this isn’t fair.”
“This was so unexpected.”
“You’re right, ten years wasn’t long enough.”
“You wanted Bailey to be here with you forever.”
“I would have wanted that, too.”
“You didn’t expect Bailey to pass away like this.”
“What I’m hearing is how much of a shock this was to you.”
“It’s normal to feel as if the rug was pulled out from under you. You didn’t expect this.”
“I can only imagine how difficult this situation is for you.”
“It’s okay to feel sad/mad/frustrated/etc.”
“It’s normal to feel sad/mad/frustrated/etc.”
“I would feel sad/mad/frustrated/etc., too.”
Share memories of the deceased when appropriate:
“I remember when…”
“I’ll never forget that…”
“I don’t know if you remember, but…”
It helps the bereaved know that those they loved are not forgotten.
Ask what you can do in the moment:
“I know this is difficult. How can I help you right now?”
“What can I do to be of support?”
Often those who are grieving don’t know what they need in the moment; they are too numb to process next steps. Even if they do know what they need in the moment, offers of help tend to get less and less frequent as time passes since the death. Friends and family can check in as able and be specific about what they can help with:
“I just wanted to check in. Would it be helpful to you if I…”
Got groceries?
Took the trash out?
Walked the dogs?
Picked up your mail?
Took the kids to school?